OutLANDISh Testosterone Theory

Okay, I wasn't going to do this, but after someone more qualified than I am let slip the sabotage theory, I just felt I had to say something. On the very same day that Floyd Landis held his press conference confirming his positive A sample result, WebMD released this story, on how holding a gun increased testosterone levels up to a hundred times the subjects' previously tested base level. They tested the testosterone by saliva on a cup and they recorded aggression levels by how many shots of hot sauce the subject put in the next subject's water cup. All from holding a gun. Now, France is pretty strict with their gun control, but there are hundreds of motorcycle cops helping maintain order at the Tour de France. What if, (what if!) just after Floyd crossed the finish line, and during that little scuffle with all the photographers, a gendarme helped back the reporters up, Floyd thanked him, and while walking to the trailer for the blood testing, in a spirit of bonhomie, the gendarme showed Floyd his gun.

Gendarme: Eef zere were real trouble, Floyd, ah would 'ave shown zem zis (brandishes his Manhurin MR73 revolver).

Floyd Landis: (gasp) That's a shiny (gasp) gun.

G: Mais oui. Zere iss not much to do while I wait to wave ze flag for le peloton at ze, comment te dire? Roundabouts. And so, I polish la pistolet.

FL: (gasp) Can I get (gasp) a closer look?

G: Oui. Take ze grip. Feels good, non? Pour l'homme, ehh, for ze men only, ah?

FL: Yeah, that's cool. Here (gives back the revolver). I don't know why, but I feel way more aggressive, even more than when I attacked on that second climb. Hey, I gotta go. Merci.

G: Au revoir.

And there is your, uh, smoking gun. I also believe that Floyd was very free with the hot sauce later that night, but that is only one man's opinion. [Of course, the Psychological Science study makes no reference to epitestosterone, so I have no idea if the T/E ratio would be affected, but never let the details get in the way of a joke.]

Update: If you think my mistrust of WADA is a little extreme, just read through this ex-pro cyclist's laundry list of how the anti-doping agency's rules are different than almost any other sport's anti-doping regulations and procedures.

a) Submit “whereabouts forms” to their ADA that details their physical location for each day of the year so that the surprise testers can find them (forms are usually required 30 days in advance!).

b) Submit to random and unannounced blood tests at 6:00am on the day of important competitions, in addition to all of the usual urine tests.

c) Require their employer/team to obtain periodic (minimum of 4x/year) comprehensive blood and urine tests to establish base-line values of blood, liver, and other metabolic functions. Any test that shows an anomaly is followed up with repeat tests and additional exams. At least 50% of these tests have to be performed at a UCI recognized lab.

d) Suspend the athlete from competition based on a preliminary analysis or screening, prior to any definitive findings. If a professional, the athlete is also suspended without pay from his/her team and the media is notified.

e) Damage or destroy the athlete’s (and his/her team) reputation and economic viability based solely on ACCUSATIONS by WADA or a public agency. There is currently NO recourse for economic damage caused by knee-jerk reactions to the disclosure of private and pre-mature accusations of potential cheating. (Do I even need to highlight the differences in “official legal proceedings” between different countries?)

f) Force the employer/team to disclose private and personal medical information about an athlete all in the “cause” for fair play. What would happen if YOUR employer did that?

g) Allow external forces (public authorities) to determine which athletes and teams are allowed to compete in world-class competitions. A mere accusation is enough to keep riders from Pro Tour competition.

The ADA's attitude towards the cyclist is very telling too: "When I’ve asked for a list of the over-the-counter supplements that will produce a positive test result, I always receive the same answer: it’s too difficult and expensive to make a list. So the athlete beware!" After the cyclists submit to all the rules above, even the whiff of doping taints the athlete. Just telling a doctor who is under criminal investigation for supplying doping materials to other athletes to get out of your face is enough to knock you out of competition. Too much, too far, too wrong.

via Drunk Cyclist